Thursday, June 22, 2006

ex dullness

I had dinner with an ex and his girlfriend tonight. This isn't the drama that people seem to expect--we broke up because he was moving to Costa Rica for eighteen months to work in a place that had no phone or internet access, so there was no anger or fighting or whatever. We just...ended. And when I moved out here, naturally I got in touch with him and said hey, and we've been meeting for dinner every three or four months for two years now. I don't have any unresolved feelings even--he was just who I needed to be with at the time, but I wouldn't want to date him now. Which is kind of the issue that tonight brought up. I know we've both changed in the four or so years since we broke up. I don't think I've changed too much, and he doesn't seem to have changed that much either.

But he's just...dull. Boring. He's a sweet guy, and his girlfriend is lovely, but they're just so...I don't even know what. We can't even seem to have a conversation (and yes, conversation is partly my responsibility too, I get that, but I can only do so much, people!), and yet I remember that we had tons of stuff to talk about.

Was I boring back then? HaveI only recently become the (terrifically!) interesting person I believe myself to be now? (and I actually called a friend when I left, to make sure I wasn't being overly generous in my attribution of non-dullness. You know what they say about people who 'assume'!) Or has he just lost all of his quirkiness? It's just so sad! I feel badly when I can look at him, at his life, and think that I would never want to live that way--it seems like a judgement of him somehow. It's not wrong to be dull, it's just... yes.

Perhaps this is just an issue of mine--my best friend from high school is getting married next week, and I sort of feel similarly about her. She is wonderful, lots of fun, crazy in a good way. But her fiancee is- I don't know, he's sweet, he loves her, whatever. He's just not interesting. And this is a man who was born without ankles (I know, right?!), so you'd think there would be a lot of interest there, things to overcome and whatnot. A good funny story or two, him being a genius skiier because he's used to not bending at the ankle, him managing to achieve his goal of competitive figure skating against all odds, I don't know, anything. But there's nothing. They're going directly into the white picket fence dream life that would make me want to rip my face off, singing together in the church choir, sitting on their back porch every summer night drinking lemonade and talking about the neighbors. And I can't even manage to have a conversation with the man, because the only thing we have in common is her, he thinks I'm odd and possibly crazy (I feel like the druggie sister or something) and I think that he's boring and she could do better (like Bill Pullman in Sleepless in Seattle). I feel badly about this, like my not wanting to live her life means I'm devaluing her choosing it.
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